Its been 9 years since we welcomed our sweet little Landon to our family. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. This should be a time of celebration but we were not lucky enough to get that.
Every year is much the same. The weather cools off and Fall comes. The anticipation of "the day" starts about a week before then comes the "I should/shouldn't be" game. "I should be planning his party right now"- "I shouldn't be here, I should be shopping for party plates". And that game leads up to the dreaded Day Before.
The day before is often the hardest day of the year. My grief hits me on this day like a giant brick to my chest. The world stops yet keeps going at the same time. I find myself hiding out and avoiding anything that might spark a tear in fear of once they start they may never stop. I go to sleep that night exhausted from grief and wake to the day that would have been.
If there is one day of the year that can stir up a lifetime of double dip feelings its this day. This year I felt grateful, disappointed, loved, sad, bitter sweetly happy, angry, lucky and lonely. It was long, but, I made it through even though I didn't think I would, like always. And, like always, I wake up the next morning.
Today is the day after. I'm exhausted. I'm angry. I'm loved. I spent the morning with my sisterfriend then took my Kayrs to have lunch with Nathan and the girls at school. It does my heart good to spend time with the ones that love me. My body is exhausted. I'm crying for myself and for my little boy. I feel sad and selfish and angry!
Its been 9 years and the pain from grief is there. I wonder if there will be a day when it is not? I know this day will come again next year, always for my lifetime. And I know that this day will feel much the same next year. I do hope that one day my grief will not hurt as much. I wonder and hope that one day the gratitude I feel for getting him for 4 weeks, the memories I was able to make and all the things loosing him taught me will outweigh the pain of not having him? Time will tell. I have a lifetime of days to find out.
Happy belated Birthday my sweet baby boy! I hold you today, in my heart, knowing that you are close as my breath, as clear as the sky and as loved as always!