Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Stolen Easter Eggs

One good thing that has come to me because I lost Landon was some very good friends.  "Baby Loss Friends" you could call them. One, in particular, has become one of my closest friends and our babies are resting in the same cemetery.  It has become a tradition that on holidays we make special gifts and leave them for our babies.  This year my friend made Easter Baskets for her girls and one for Landon and those special baskets WERE STOLEN off their stones. 

This isn't the first time this has happened, but this year it has bothered me more than before.  I can't imagine what is going through someones mind when they take something off a gravestone.  The only thing I can come up with is that they just don't know what a special place that is.  If I were to run into this person I would want to scream at them and say...

Do you have any idea what I went through when I lost my baby?  Do you have any idea what memories that stone holds?  Did you know that I had to sit in the office of the cemetery just one week after loosing my baby with a beaten body and mind to order that for him.  Did you know how hard it is to walk into a store and buy things for my baby's stone only to hear the questions "are these for your sons birthday, how old is he?"  "Yes, 8", I have to answer not being able to say what I'd like to say, which is "his name was Landon and he was wonderful and he would have been 8 this year"?  Do you know how special it is to have someone remember your baby and love them so much that they go through the same thing at the store for him (and you)?  Do you have a heart at all?

When I detach from my anger and hurt I can see that the only reasonable answer to those questions is NO.  They can't possibly know.  And for that I am truly glad.  With all my heart, I hope they will one day be able to answer those questions with a YES, not because they have a stone to visit, but because they can hear my heart saying this...

The cemetery holds much more than the bodies of the babies we lost.  It holds the heart of every mother who placed them there.  A stone may seem like a small physical symbol of a life lost but for most its the ONLY physical symbol left of their baby. The little gifts that sit on those stones are not for decoration, but for love. We can't hold our babies, rock them or feed them but we can leave them gifts on their stone as a way of saying "we remember you" and "we love you".   We visit there, cry there, smile there and sit in silence there.  It is sacred. 

There is a red fox that lives at the cemetery where Landon and my friends girls lay.  He comes out from time to time.  He doesn't seem scared or timid but he doesn't come up to anyone.  I often see this fox in the early morning running through the sea of graves.  He is red, he is beautiful and he is a wonderful Bodhisattva.  He understands the sacredness of this place.  Kwan Seum Bosal.