Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Numbers, who needs them?

WARNING:  The following post will contain some a lot of complaining.  Yes, I know how blessed I am.  Yes, I know how strong you think I am.  Yes, I know I've survived days that I thought would kill me BUT I'm going to complain anyway.  I think I deserve that.  If you don't think I do then please ignore this post.  And please be kind for I am only human!  And if you can't be kind then just blame my friend Lara because she told me to go ahead and post even if it was complaining.  In fact her exact words were "Its your blog, go for it".  But be kind to her too, for I love her!  =) 

Ive been given a lot of numbers in my life.  The first time I remember was 816-3614.  That was my phone number when I lived in Tonganoxie.  Then there was the number 9. That was how old I was when we moved from Tonganoxie.  Then I remember 12.  That's how old I was when I was sent to live with my Grandmother (the BEST SUMMER EVER!).  I also remember the number 1991, when I met my future husband and 1994 when we graduated High School and moved out on our own (yes, on the same day). 

I never really thought much about numbers until Landon was born though.  The first number I remember was 47, his pulse ox reading when we got to ther ER.   Then there was 80 which was how much of a chance he had of surviving his open heart surgery.  At the time it seemed like a HUGE number.  80 out of 100, that seems like pretty good odds. But then there was 1, as in 1 day at a time on ECMO.  Then there was 50.  That's how much of a chance he had of coming off of ECMO.  Then there was 0 and that was how much of a chance he would have to survive the day.  Tell me, how did we go from 80 to 0?  Anyway... 

Now, here is the kicker...this week we heard the number 39.  Last month we heard 6 but now we hear 39.  39, that is how many foods we found out our youngest is allergic to.  And I thought 80 was big.  Oh no!   I'm not going to spend this whole time listing the foods he is allergic to but I will tell you this, if it has any type of corn, gluten, milk, peanut, pork, fish or rice in it then he can't eat it. 

Now to the complaining...

Im really upset about this number.  What is my poor baby going to eat?  How is he going to celebrate his birthday at school?  How is he going to swallow 8 different suppliments a day?  WHY DOES HE HAVE TO SUFFER SO MUCH!  And, as for me, how am I going to cook for him?  How am I going to do anything else if I have to cook 3 meals a day from scratch each and every day?  How am I suppose to sit back and watch another one of my babies suffer, again?!  And, while Im at it, why didn't anyone believe me that he had food allergies when he was 19 months old and stopped nursing and his tummy troubles began?  Did I not tell the doctors SEVERAL times that I thought he had food allergies.  Duh!!!

Many people have said how tough i am.  "You are so strong" I hear them say often.  But, seriously, thats a really nice compliment but I am not.  I've had Liams list and rotation diet and research in my hands for 5 days now but haven't been able to muster up the stregth to look at it.  I know the list but I have no idea what else to do with it.  I know its going to be hard and IM SICK OF EVERYTHING BEING HARD! 

As hard as this is to admit, and as selfist as this may make me sound, I must say that I have done my time.  The universe is trying to teach me something, I know, but Im tired of learning.  Im tired of bad things happening to me, Im tired of them happening to my kids!  *Deep Breath* 

So, I'll leave you with a few numbers now that I have finished my little bitch session.  80 - that is how much of a chance there is of me always being pissed about this.  0 - that is how much of a chance there is of me not continuing to fight for what I know.  2 - that is how old my precious little guy is who cried for 15 minutes today because he wanted peanut butter on a spoon.  100 - that is how much of a chance I have of surviving this.  And 0 is the percentage of a chance that I am going to be happy about it! 

And thats all I have to say about that! 

Friday, May 13, 2011

Mothers Day? Maybe!

I thought of this story on Mothers Day...
An old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Maybe," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "Maybe" said the farmer.
Mothers Day was an interesting and wonderful day.  I spent the day with my wonderful family.  My husband got me two of the most wonderful gifts - a statue of the Buddha and a porch swing.  I got biscuits and gravy and corn beef hash and a whopping 13 HOURS of sleep.  I spent the afternoon with my "mom" and then went to Zen practice.  I returned home to have dinner with my boys and little girl and then went to bed early after sitting and talking with my husband of the new porch swing. 

 I sometimes dread this day as I don't have a relationship with my biological mother, but this year was different.  I was checking facebook, as I do often (lol), and I kept seeing everyone posting pictures of themselves with their mothers.  It gave me some really conflicting feelings.  I was mad, because of who and what my biological mother is but it also made me happy because I have a "mom" in my life now.  The anger made me ever more grateful for her.  I shared these feelings with her and she told me that my childhood should be something to be grateful for.  Because, if I had not had my childhood I would not have the relationship I have with her now.  Because of my past she gets me now.  I have never really looked at it that way.  Do you see the conection to the story now?  

I must say, this was the best Mothers Day ever!  I hope yours was as well! 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I've got nothin'!

I'm going to be honest here, I'm trying to come up with Blog posts but I've got nothin'!  I have no energy to think of something to write and no will power to try to drum that energy.  So I'm just going to share some sites with you, sites and blogs that I love.  Maybe you will love them too.   

This is my friend, Michelle Gee's, incredible site.  If you are a couponer, someone who likes to save money or someone who likes to see others save money then this site is for you. 

This blog is not updated often but when it is it is sure to teach you.  Whether or not you are a Buddhist this blog is still worth checking out.  And I hope, one day soon, this teacher will guest blog on my page (hint, hint Rebecca!)

This blog tells the story of a beautiful little boy who has challenges just like Liam.  It was this site and this friend that encouraged me to see her sons allergist and I hate to think what would be if we hadn't gone last week.

This site is great resource for anyone who is interested in meditation.

And this one is a plug but, hey, its a good site nonetheless! 

And, finally, this site is one of the most beautiful I've seen in a while.  Its sweet, inspirational and has the most amazing birth story linked to it. 

So, if you are board, or enjoy looking around the world of the internet, check some of these out.  I guarantee they are worth your time.  And I promise, soon, that I will come up with a better post then this one =)