Monday, January 31, 2011

Momma said there'd be days like this...

I woke up this morning and felt really tired.  I lazied around in the morning, talked to a friend on the phone and baked for the kids.  Then, shortly after lunch, I started feeling that tickle in my throat and the stuffiness in my sinuses.  Yep, I was getting sick.  Now with 3 kids to take care of getting sick is not a good thing for me.  Luckily my oldest came home from school just in time to play with the little kids and let me rest.  (I'm so glad I have an older child who has compassion for me when I'm sick - a result of the care I have given him when he's sick, I hope)  By this point I could not wait for my husband to get home so I could jump in a hot bath then head to bed.  5:00 came around and my darling husband came in with groceries, since we have a blizzard coming.  We sit down to eat dinner and I ask the dreaded question "Do you ever get annoyed when you come home and I'm sick?"  I don't think I really wanted him to answer this but since I asked, he answered.  "Only when I come home and I don't feel good either".  Ugg, this means that he is coming down with the same thing I am.  So instead of a hot bath and bed I will be spending my evening juggling kids and baths with a sick husband.  We are pretty good at tag teaming in situations like this but I must admit - I wish he wasn't sick so he could just do it all. 

That brings me to the word "MOM".  I wasn't blessed with a loving mom and she never told me about days like these.  I don't want to throw myself a pity party (even though I am) but it is definitely days like this that I wish I had a mom.  Someone who I could call and they would come over and let Nathan and I go to sleep, they'd play with my kids (and love every minute of it).  And while she's at it she might come in and check on me, bring me medicine and take care of me. 

Its also days like these that I am extremely grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life.  My husband, even when he's sick, takes care of me and loves me.  Even when he comes home to a wife in yoga pants and a stained t-shirt, no make up and bad breath - he still loves me.  A wonderful friend who called this morning just to talk, how great is that?!  And a wonderful friend who has taken me under her wing and treats me with love and compassion, not to mention she always has a wonderful hug ready for me when I ask for it (and even when I don't know that I need one). 

Now, with all that said, I am going to put on a movie for the kids so they will give me some peace and quiet.  (Okay, I admit, I'm going to have Tyler put the movie on for them).  Then I'm going to sit my tired butt down on the couch and try to read my latest Little House on the Prairie book.  And, I'm going to try to remember that its all okay and that we won't be sick forever!  Kwan Seum Bosal, Kwan Seum Bosal, Kwan Seum Bosal. 

Thursday, January 20, 2011

This is AWESOME, Mom!

Last night I spent an hour shoveling 6 inches of snow off of our driveway.  When I woke up this morning there was another 4 inches on top of that.  It was frustrating but it was so beautiful. 

Once the kids saw it they could not wait to get bundled up to go play in it again.  After about 45 minutes in the snow I went out and asked my daughter if she was ready to come in.  She told me NO!  I asked her if she was cold and that she should come in if she was.  She answered me like this "Mom, my nose is cold, my hands are freezing and my feet are so cold because snow fell into my snow boots.  But I don't want to come in.  It AWESOME out here."  This brought me back to Sunday nights Zen practice.  (see last post).  Even though she was cold and uncomfortable she had found the miracle of snow.  She had found the strawberry. 

Maybe we should all think about our lives the way she thought about the snow.  Yes, there are bad things about everything but if we find the awesomeness of it we can truly enjoy it! 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Tiger Pit

One of my teachers gave a great dharma talk at tonights practice.  He told a zen story that went something like this..

There was once a man who was being chased by a ferocious tiger across a field. At the edge of the field there was a cliff. In order to escape the jaws of the tiger, the man caught hold of a vine and swung himself over the edge of the cliff. Dangling down, he saw, to his dismay, there were more tigers on the ground below him! And, furthermore, two little mice were gnawing on the vine to which he clung. He knew that at any moment he would fall to certain death. That's when he noticed a wild strawberry growing on the cliff wall. Clutching the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other and put it in his mouth. He never before realized how sweet a strawberry could taste.

...need I say more?

Friday, January 14, 2011

A HUGE Snowstorm

Some would say that 9.5 inches of snow is not a HUGE snowstorm but that is not the snowstorm I am talking about. I'm talking about the snowstorm that my youngest doctors warned us about.  They said "There is no way for us to know what causes remission or what causes one to come out of remission.  One day he could be fine the next day he could be worse than he has ever been".  Boy were they right. One day we were celebrating his remission and the next we are dealing with the worse flair up and complication he has had so far.  I could spend hours telling you about this condition, the medicines, the doctors visits and the fears but I am way too tired for that.  All I can say is that no matter how hard this is, no matter how bad the pain is in my heart watching my little guy suffer so badly HE IS TOTALLY WORTH IT!  

I'll leave you with this - the story of my life..."Even if you find a great spot on the tracks the train will still run you over" ~Zen Master Dae Kwan

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Heart Kyol Che? Was that suppose to start on the 2nd?

The Heart Koyl Che is a chance for those who practice Zen to participate in the Winter Koyl Che.  Each Zen student and teacher make a personal commitment to dedicate time and energy into daily practice at home.  Sounds simple enough, right?  I thought so. But then...I got sick, my husband got sick, the kids got sick, my practice space was taken over by the children, I was getting no sleep...and before I knew it my Heart Koyl Che was HISTORY!  At first I was ashamed.  How could I have made a commitment to my practice and then let it fall to the Weigh side.  Then I was embarrassed.  I made a commitment and told my teacher exactly what I was going to do.  How could I tell her I hadn't done any of it?  Then I was overwhelmed by all the guilt.  Until, that is, I realized that all of it just didn't matter.  It was OKAY!  I don't really know how I came to this conclusion but I realized that all I needed to do is to just try again.  Now, I admit, most of why I didn't get started was excuses.  But when you are a mom there are a lot of "excuses" that come along.  And I admit, I may have committed to more than I can actually do - but that is okay too.  All I can do is try.  So that is what I am going to do.  TRY!  I think this time will be different.  I'm not going to practice because I told someone I was.  I'm not going to practice because that is what us Zen people are suppose to do.  I'm going to try to do the Heart Koyl Che because I want to increase my practice and that will benefit all beings.  I may fail again but that is okay!